When someone dies, pretty much anyone who does, folks will usually say some mostly nice things about the deceased. It's just seems to be the way we act in the face of a death. The more sudden the passing, the more tragic, violent or senseless, the younger the victim of an unexpected passing, the exponentially increased degree to which folks tend to say these nice things. It is little surprise then, to see nice things being written on Facebook the last day or so, about a 17 year old New Jersey boy named Troy Davis Park. What is a little surprising, is exactly what folks are saying about Troy and to what extent. People (lots of kids, but some adults too) are indicating that Troy touched other people's lives in special ways. Not just the old "Oh Troy, was great I'll miss him" but more along the lines of "Troy was the one that helped me/us get through, hang in there, crack a smile". It seems Troy was very sweet and very sensitive. Sadly it's often those sensitive kids who can't take life's many painful realities, without it eventually wearing them down.
Troy was the son of a childhood friend of mine, David Park, and his wife Denise, younger brother to their son Edward. Sadly, this young man who I had never met, son of a friend I hadn't spoken with really, in nearly three decades, passed away a few days ago, from suicide. Death, so heart-wrenching under most circumstances, is more so still when it's just a young kid. Suicide in a teen is just unthinkably tragic to a parent, and yet it's so very common. Death of a child, at their own hand, really stretches my ability to even wrap my head around how I would survive it, let alone be of any use to anyone! David Park, my old friend, seems to be one hell of a guy, or maybe he's still in shock, but the words he's shared and way in which he is expressing his family's thoughts and feelings, makes me understand where Troy may have gotten some of his style. It all leaves me even more sad if possible, sad for the Parks obviously, sad for Troy's friends and family, sad for this little world of ours that can use all the sensitive, sweet, giving people, it can get, but sad too that Troy will no longer be here to experience this obviously loving dad and family.
I grew up spending summers at my Grandparents "Summer House" in Laurel Lake New Jersey. Bought before I was born, the little cabin, would eventually be expanded to be a bigger little cabin. Laurel Lake was a summer resort created around a man-made lake in the 1920s for Philly folks to get away. Laurel Lake is a little tiny town next to Millville, a pretty small town itself. Just down the road from Vineland, about an hour and fifteen minutes south of us, not even all the way "Down the Shore", just "Down the Lake". My childhood summers centered mostly around goin "Down the Lake". It was never called or thought of as anything other than goin "Down the Lake"! My childhood wasn't the best, but Laurel Lake was always a treat, it was a different place and a relaxed vibe. It was about playing in the water, running around in bare feet, hitting the Flea Markets with Gram, playing in the woods, breakfast on the porch, and possibly best of all hanging with The Parks!
My grandmother Cass, Gram as I've always called her, knew The Parks' mom from church or something. Louis and David and I met through the two of them, I may have been 8 or 9 years old, when we started hanging around together. They lived maybe a bit more than a half dozen or so blocks from our house, but they were full-time Laurel Lakers. That meant they swam and fished, and caught all sorts of animals. Lou and Dave rode dirt bikes, Yamaha YZ's, and I thought that was the coolest. I was scared to try driving one myself, though I wanted to badly. The brothers just lived what seemed a simpler "country" life. I vividly remember the boys catching fish with their bare hands in a local creek, and teaching me to brush the surface clean and drink from those same creeks. I recall catching salamanders at the old "Plummer's Dump" and their catching Snapper Turtles to make soup! Gross to me then, and now too! But I also thought the guys were pretty cool and industrious. We traded Charlie's Angels collectible cards, showed off dumb shit bought at the Flea Markets, and a couple of years later we played many games of Uno, and drove our bikes all the way into Vineland to the Cumberland Mall to chase down Empire Strikes Back Kenner action figures! We left with more than a few "blasters" under our tongues (The Parks will know what that means!). In the summer when I was about 13, we listened to The Wall by Pink Floyd, ran around like nuts, talked about girls, had "Halloween in Summer", and played Truth or Dare, with a couple of local girls. I was scared to death, but wanted to kiss one of those girls in the worst way. That's the second thing that these kids did that I wished I could mimic. Laurel Lake held a sense of adventure for me, and I was only sad back at home in "Philly". I was, from a young age, pretty depressed really but didn't know it was that at that time. I was picked on in school and in my neighborhood, bullied quite a lot. Being a skinny little guy, I didn't feel real able to hold the bullies off, and often fantasized about it being over. I don't know that I thought of actually killing myself at that time, but I do know I thought of killing others, and of harming myself, and wished the pain would just go away, even if I wasn't prepared to take the ultimate step myself. I didn't feel that way in Laurel Lake, and thought I might like to stay there forever. I hoped to attend Millville Schools, with my friends, where their son and nephew Troy Park would later attend. I wished I could stay down there with my simple country friends who didn't judge me or act like tough guys and just wanted to have a good time all summer being kids, riding dirt bikes, playing Uno, and maybe even kissing girls!
I wonder what the things were that made Troy feel hopeless, but I don't question that there were things. I felt hopeless quite a lot, and still do often times. I struggle with depression and anxiety, and always have. Life can be a real bitch at times and I have to sometimes remind myself that it can also be a joy. When my own kids struggle with life's let-downs it breaks my heart. I wish I could make it all better, or at least pretend that it wasn't gonna keep on throwing them curve-balls. I try to be honest with them
though, while encouraging them to reach out to me, or to someone else trusted, when feeling overwhelmed, but just reach the hell out! Reaching out to others has saved my ass MANY times. I don't know if Troy Park was able to reach out in his hurt, but I know that whatever lead to Troy being gone today, would have likely been gone itself, if he could have just hung in there again, a little more, a little longer, one more time. They say "this too shall pass", but that goes for good things as well as bad. Things will just keep on changing, so don't expect that what you're feeling now is what you'll be feeling later. Hang through the shit and LOVE the great times. Hug the folks who matter, and tell them that they do. It might be something that does your heart good later, or theirs!
I lost my younger brother 2 years ago. Heart attack at 37, SO sad. It is something that I just simply will NEVER rebound from. We were close, he meant everything to me. The one really great relief to me has been knowing that I told him again and again, how much I loved him and that he mattered in my life and how I couldn't have made it through without him. I told him if anything even happened to me, I needed for him to know those things. I didn't know that he would be the one gone, and so soon, and I would be so comforted to know that he knew those things. Tell the folks you love, that you do, seriously TELL them damn it, tomorrow might be too late. It might be all you leave them with to weather your being gone. It made my brother a bit uncomfortable, all that feelings stuff, but in comforts me now, that he knew, that I did, that I do!
It sounds like Troy Park loved his friends and family and they loved him lots. I'm not sure if Troy was in touch with that, that it was enough to get him through, but it will be the one thing that helps get them through.
David Park asked that kids hang in there, and get through, and don't give up. To reach out to the adults around them, for themselves and for the adults too! Some folks need No-one, it's just a fact, some need only a few people. There are those of us, probably most of us, who need people. We need to love and to be loved. Different amounts and in different ways, but all averaged in, lots of folks nees lots of love. Assume the worst. Assume the folks around you need MORE love and support! Kids, your parents may not know how to express these things to you, they may not even know they need to express them, but they may. Parents, you should know this by now, talk to your kids, love you kids, talk to your kids about loving your kids! The time is now! Adults we have the luxury of having been kids, we've been there. If we try hard enough and REMEMBER what it was like, we have an advantage, use it! Kids, see what I just wrote? You've never been an adult, a parent, OLD, as you love to think of us. We HAVE been kids, and teens, and have experience, we may have something important to share with you, a reason for riding your back. Yes at times life is hard, too many times and too hard too often, BUT there are times it's not and times when it's even great, so Hang in there! Life can be great and satisfying and fulfilling at times, but not if you are dead!
Hang in there parents. Hang in there kids. Love as many of each other as you can, and tell them, it's like a stock-pile of love and goodness against the hard times. Your love just might help someone get through a tough time.
Lou, Dave, I love you guys for that summer that was quite special, at a time where I seriously had at least some thoughts about taking my own life. I wish I could do something to take away some of your pain, but I can't. I hope maybe I've done something to help your stock-pile of love. Hang in there, there will be good times again.
Rest in Peace Troy Park
Mike Paquin
